There’s a lot of waiting on this journey, I’ve decided. And it’s tough, the waiting. Waiting first for the surgery. Then waiting to see if it works. Constantly waiting for the next milestone in PT that will then give you the indication that you’re ready to move on to the next phase. Then there’s waiting to see what went wrong. Waiting to see if rest is going to be the key to recovery. Waiting on a second opinion. Waiting on bone scans. It seems like I’ve been waiting on something for the better part of the last 12 months.
I haven’t exactly been sitting around, twiddling my thumbs while I wait, but there’s always a sense that I’m waiting on the next thing.
Right now, I’m waiting to see my primary OS again. I had a follow-up appointment a couple of weeks ago with the second opinion surgeon that I’m not yet ready to detail here, but in essence, he’s recommending another extensive surgery. Due to insurance, I have to see if my primary OS or another surgeon in the network can perform the surgery. If not, then I can petition my insurance to cover the second opinion OS as if he were in the system. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
I heard the diagnosis and suggested course of treatment, and I can’t say that I was surprised to hear that surgery was on the table again. I’m not happy about it, but I’m not surprised by it either. While I’ve been waiting for the next appointment, I’ve been thinking about whether it’s even an idea I’ll entertain at this point. I mean, I’m not even 9 months into a year-long recovery for the last surgery, and now we’re talking about the next one. I know I have to do something, and I don’t know that I have too many other options.
I had someone (a fellow knee geek) ask me the other day about whether I have realistic expectations about what I’ll be able to do with my knee. I am admittedly pretty optimistic about it, and I have grand plans that involve horses and bikes. But there’s a side of me that’s beginning to wonder if any of that is realistic. How about we focus on the getting up and down stairs without pain? Or getting in and out of bed without pain? I’ve been able to shut out that nasty little voice in my head until recently. Now, that nagging voice is getting louder (and sounds a bit like Gollum), and I’m wondering what another surgery will really accomplish.
Neither of the surgeons have said anything that leads me to believe that I can’t return to previous activities (albeit maybe not at the same level), but then the last surgery didn’t provide the expected results, so I’m left wondering. And waiting.
At least I’m in good company. “The waiting is the hardest part. Every day you see one more card. You take it on faith; you take it to the heart. The waiting is the hardest part.” True story, Tom Petty. True story.